On Irrfan Khan's first death anniversary, his son Babil opened up about his emotional struggles after losing his father. Last year on April 29, the 'Lunchbox' actor passed away after a two-year battle with a neuroendocrine tumour.

Irrfan Khan, Babil Khan
Irrfan Khan with son Babil KhanInstagram

In an interview with The Times of India, Babil revealed that though initially, he was maintaining a brave stance, eventually he crashed and went into 'deep depression'. He said that he had suicidal thoughts days after he lost his father.

He said: "For the first few days, mom was like how is it that he is taking it so well? I was running around, doing everything, making sure everything was fine at home and at the hospital. It was really bad, though. I can't explain the amount of pain he was going through when he was conscious. I particularly remember when they were going to put a catheter, and asked me to leave the room, and he almost yelled, 'Babil, tum kahin mat jao mujhe chhod ke!' They pulled me out of the room and he screamed my name. I never felt that much pain and helplessness. I just stood there outside, hearing him scream my name."

"Baba wouldn't have been anything without Mumma"

"I dealt with it well in that moment, but after he passed – initially, Mumma was surprised how well I was taking it – but two days after he passed away, I crashed. I just crashed. Everything shut off. I went into deep, deep depression. I can't even explain. There was no will to wake up. I was very suicidal," the actor-in-making said.

Babil further added: "I was done. I didn't have any will to live. I still struggle with it a lot. And at that time, Mumma was the strength. She has always been the strength of our family. Throughout Baba's career. You know everyone's like Baba was this, Baba was that – but Baba wouldn't have been anything without Mumma, she's been the strength of the family."

Remembering the actor

Babil often shares photos and memories of the legendary actor on her Instagram account for the actor's fans and followers. Remembering his father on his death anniversary, Babil shared one of his handwritten notes and an unseen picture from the time when the actor was undergoing chemotherapy.

"Chemo burns you from the inside, so to find joy in the simple things, like building your own table to write your own journals. There is a purity, I have not yet discovered. There is a legacy that has already been concluded by my Baba himself. A full stop. Nobody can ever replace him. Nobody will ever be able to. To the greatest best friend, companion, brother, father, I ever had and ever will have. I love you so much, for the rest of this chaos we are choosing to call life. I would have built a space monument that could have taken us to the furthest parts of a blackhole singularity you were always intrigued by, but I would have been there with you Baba, and we could have gone together, hand in hand. (Exploring the last mysteries)," Babil's caption read.