Jay Z and Beyonce's divorce rumours has had an impact on everyone, there's no denying it. Every time Queen B changed her lyrics to her song "Resentment" during 'On the Run' tour, panicked fans took out their frustration online, some may have even been affected far too much by it.
Ruby, aka @hemmingprincess posted on Twitter, "wait if beyoncé and jay z divorce i will literally be crushed no"
While, Sarah aka @horanwasted tweeted, "If Beyoncé and jay z get a divorce I'm leaving earth"
While the divorce has been eating up some people, Funny or Die has taken this opportunity to show the point of view of the Judge who might have the misfortune of presiding over their divorce.
Judge Lori Kaufman, a fictional judge of over 30 years and a self-proclaimed "huge fan" of Queen B and Hova, has taken to writing an opening statement for their divorce trial. In the unlikely event that Kaufman in his capacity as a judge is assigned to preside over the hearing, he wants to be as prepared as possible.
After meticulously planned formalities, the Judges plans to narrate to the couple that while the right to divorce is an essential corollary to the right to marry, he refuses to accept their listed grounds to divorce: "irreconcilable differences."
He further says the nature of the undeniable power of their love is self-evident. "I ask you this: How would it even be possible for you to go straight from a stirring rendition of "Love On Top"... straight into the most powerful performance of "Izzo" I've seen in the decade you've been performing it live?... to end the entire magical evening with a triple-encore performance, which culminated in a tear-inducing duet of "Lift Off"? Those are not the actions of a couple with irreconcilable differences; those are the actions of a power couple, the greatest power couple the world has ever seen."
"Beyoncé & Jay-Z headed for Divorce" yeah ok https://t.co/bs9rn7Rve1
— Grant Christian (@iAmGrantC) August 9, 2014
Risking exaggeration, he further states that his granting them a divorce would be a crime worse than treason and paints a picture of how he would have made things more clear if he were an angel instead of "just a judge. A judge who loves great pop songs and hip hop."
He further clarifies to Jay Z that he may have 99 prolems, but Beyonce ain't one. He also explains that their problems are like peanut butter and jelly. "Jay, it's possible that lately you've been feeling that you aren't ready for Beyonce's jelly. But that is only because sometimes in the normal stresses of marriage we can forget how bootylicious our partner can be."
He asks Beyonce, "You are a Goddess. Do you really want to lower yourself to the mortal realm of all the other single ladies?"
Finally, he gets to the point and asks them to take a stand for the rest of the world: "What I'm getting at is, like your other billions of fans worldwide, I need this marriage to work out. Okay? I need this. Don't do this to me. Don't do this to us (gesture wildly around room, indicating rest of the world; cry for a few minutes; regain composure)."
Concluding the statement with a very vocal, "Irreconcilable differences? Uh oh, uh oh, uh oh, oh no no," he is a hero for the Jay Z-Beyonce fan community.
Meanwhile, Beyonce, posted a picture of Jay Z carrying Blue Ivy with the post, "Thank you San Fran! Your city is beautiful. It was the perfect place to complete the best tour of my life! Thank you to all the fans that supported our show. God bless," putting the rumours to rest.